So what do I think about all this Army stuff?

11 Months Later-

I am very proud of Scott as I have seen an entirely new side of him that I didn't know existed. A side that is persistent and committed and willing to go the extra distance it takes to pursue what he thinks he is supposed to do. True, none of us ever really know if we are supposed to do something or not and sometimes God closes doors to things we are just convinced we are supposed to do and sometimes He asks us to do things that we never imagined. We don't really understand why, but trust that it is part of the process of growth in our lives.

We trust!

We choose to not get stuck in the "whys" of life, but to see the opportunity in the answer. Right now we are waiting on the answer, and while we don't yet know what that answer is I feel confident that what ever the answer is we will respect God and move forward. It has been a long process, but whether this turns out to be a 'yes' or a 'no' that the process was still important in our lives in some way.

Scott definitely has the recent words of the Srgt fresh in his mind. Hearing him say that the chances are slim that he will get an appointment that match his qualifications and it will more than likely be something he never imagined, simply because he has prior military service and they don't like that, was not easy to hear 11 months into this.. he has worked very hard in school and in his career and former service and in his personal life to gain the respect of his peers and to excel in life and to accept that it is possible that none of those things will matter at all, is well, tough.

And yes, we do have the choice to say no. But should we? Should we say no if the appointment is not equal to what Scott is capable of or it God is asking him to do something we never imagined. If God gives us peace with the options presented , even if that doesn't make sense, then are we to say 'no' just because it doesn't make sense? Or is there maybe a part of this that we can't see that God does? One of those silver linings or blessings in disguise?

Isn't faith saying 'yes' when it doesn't make sense... recognizing and trusting that God will intervene in a profound way if we are going in the wrong direction...trusting in the promise that God will protect and care for us if we are in line with what He wants?

God knows the plans He has for us...they are plans to prosper us and not to harm us; Plans to give us hope and a future...a lot of people stop there with this great verse in Jeremiah, but if you read one more line it says "for those who come to me and pray to me, I will listen." We are committed to prayer and willing to accept the answer what ever it may be.

I am a very rational person and I tend towards the realistic side of things. I like to think things through and look at the big picture and I like to know what is going to happen next.

However, God has taught me through my experiences of the past few years, and experience is how a rational person's faith is strengthened, that I can trust God even when it doesn't make sense. I have spent many years pushing against that surrender. I was a faithful follower, but I was faithfully resisting God leading my life in every way. If it didn't make sense in the context of my understanding I was unwilling to do it. I have seen how difficult life can be when you choose to try and do it alone.

Since learning through those difficult experiences that no matter what I thought I was never really in control of anything all along. I have now seen what can happen when God goes along on our journeys and then I have seen what happens when we let God lead.

We have our dreams, but our dreams are limited by what we think we can do...when we let God lead we are not limited to anything, and God can show us what can happen through us when He is in control. He can show us things and bless us with things we never ever even knew were possibilities, because our brains just can't fathom what God can do. Right now I am trying to see my husband through God's eyes rather than through my own limited human vision. I ponder what could God possibly have planned and ask God to inspire me to trust and believe that He has big plans for Scott, rather than limit Scott to what I think should happen.

I am proud of Scott as he has said that he is more than willing to go in where they need as long as that means following what he feels God is asking of him. We won't know until it happens.

He believes this is a calling and that just like God often calls people to jobs that are humbling in order to grow them or help others, he might be called to a job he wouldn't otherwise think he should do if that's where God needs him.

This doesn't mean that we are making decisions based on abstract and fluffy feelings of 'we should' or 'we shouldn't" or "God told us to." We are talking about taking all of the evidence of the past 11 months and with the knowledge and reason God has given us, combined with our own committed prayer and the prayers of those people we know we can trust, and making a solid and faithful decision. Then we ask God to give us peace about the decision and if no peace comes then we must re-evaluate if we have misunderstood God.

I personally believe that God raises up men and women in service who are faithful believers in order to protect and care for them in a Christian way. Scott is willing to accept that God may be asking him to serve in this way, at this point in his life, by having prepared him with his former service and education, but even more than that through the character development and faith that has been strengthened in him through the struggles of the past 5 years.

I don't know if God is raising Scott up for such a task, but I do think if God was to raise up a man with exceptional values and a strong faith to do a job that God needed done through our military, that there is a very good chance it would be my husband.

I have been upfront with Scott that if he did this 5-10 years ago I would have never been okay with it, because I had no evidence of his character under stress at that time. I would have said he was being selfish and crazy.

But now- now I have seen a man who has grown in wisdom from the experiences and struggles of our life. Not the happy times- the happy times do very little to develop our character. It is the tough times- the times that take your very breath away and bring you to your knees to God in desperation. The times where the only option is fully relying on God.The times when you don't think you can go on.

Times like watching a child die, seeing your wife through a life-threatening illness, losing your job and the fear that you can't provide for your family. You see the reality of someone's character when they are under stress and God has molded and refined Scott into a faithful and prayer-guided man who loves God even when life is hard. He wants to do what's right for the right reasons and he wants to answer God's call, whatever it might be. Glamorous or not, high paying or not...dare I say, dangerous or not. As much as I love my husband, God loves him more than me.

Some people might think that I am crazy for supporting him in this, but I have evidence that I can trust my husband. He has stood by my side through things that would make a lot of men say they just couldn't handle it.

Not just physically present, but he has been there for me and for our family. He has supported me going back to school full-time so that I could pursue my dreams and he took a huge degree of the work load during that 3 years. Now he has stepped up into a role he never expected to be in while I work, and he has done it with an outstanding attitude and commitment to do what's best for our family. He has waited and waited and now, for the first time since I have known him, he has asked me for something. He has a desire of his heart that he believes God has put there.

Maybe God has been waiting and preparing him for this time and if all the things in our life have led to this time, for him, then I will not stand in the way of that simply because I am afraid or it is not convenient for what I had planned.
I trust God! God has seen us through terrible times, but has always faithfully allowed us to be blessed despite the circumstances. If Scott feels called I support him and trust that God has all the details already worked out. We went through a lot of our challenges very young, but Scott still was there for me and together we will pray and look ahead about what God wants.

I choose not to let fear guide my choices because fear is not of God. Fear that is allowed to run rampant in our hearts and minds turns to really bad choices. God does not want us to be afraid, but God recognizes fear is a part of life and asks us to turn that over to Him and trust.

I choose to let prayer and God's will guide me and if Scott says it is not what he is supposed to do then I trust that too. Scott deserves to have the chance to make an impact on the lives of others and if God is calling him to do it in this way, choosing another path because we are afraid, or because it is not convenient, or because we had limitations on what we trusted God with, is far more risky than any battlefield.

When people turn from what God calls them to, that is when you should really be afraid, because the consequences of running from God's will is far riskier than answering that call in the face of very real danger.

Yes, I know that there is a chance this means a dangerous appointment, which I don't want, and yes, I know that it could be an extended time away, which I hate the thought of as I have only spent a handful of nights by myself in my entire life and I love my husbands company, but choosing to say no to something you feel God asking you to do has consequences so much worse than any of that.

The truth is that bad things happen everywhere, not just in the military or on the battlefield. People are in car accidents on their way to their careful and mundane desk jobs. People get sick(don't I know it) and I definitely want to grow old with my husband, but I don't want to be the one who prevents him with guilt and fear from having the opportunity to change lives and maybe even save lives.

If God created my husband to serve in this way it is no less of a calling or appointment than that of a pastor or doctor or missionary. God may have plans for Scott that I or Scott simply can not fathom the importance of. He might have plans for me or for our children to be impactful in some way at the place where Scott's appointment would bring us. Whether or not we are willing to accept that call could be a determining factor not just in our, but in the lives of others.

I saw a really great quote about love yesterday as I was pondering all this.

It was from Antoine de Saint-Exupery and it read, " True love is not staring into each others eyes, but gazing together in the same direction." Scott looked in the direction I was called to go in because he loves me and trusted me and thanks to him I was able to see my dreams come true. We have weathered more in our 10 year marriage than many couples will see in a life time together and if I trust my husband and I trust God then I need to look with him towards what is possible and not try and hold him down by desperately staring at him with fear in my eyes.

I am not afraid as long as our decision is prayerful and God-led. That does not mean I don't have fear. I do, because I am human, but I choose to not let fear make my decisions for me and I choose not to let my fear guilt my husband into not doing something he feels called to. I choose to see the opportunity and blessings in what God may have in store, instead of what I may loose or the sacrifices I may have to make.

And if this isn't God's will I trust that there will be a door closed so where this won't move forward. I will respect it as God's protection from something that would not have benefited our family or anyone else and that God has a different plan in mind for Scott and that this was simply part of the process of getting him there.

If you join us in prayer please pray that God's will is clear to us and that we will be encouraged and peaceful in the direction we are meant to go with and that doors will close and not budge in the directions that are wrong for us.